You Can Honour Your Grief and Your Joy — They Can Coexist

A Moment of Confusing Joy

I remember laughing out loud quite soon after after my miscarriage. It was a sweet and private moment between my husband and I, in the midst of something tragic, he could still find the words to make me laugh and feel understood, despite what we were experiencing. It felt crude, dark and bittersweet.

And then? Guilt. How could I laugh when we’d just lost something. Wasn’t I betraying myself, our lost child and also my grief?

That was a stark reminder that it’s possible to feel sorrow and joy in the same breath. And both are valid.

Giving Yourself Permission to Feel Both

Truly feeling grief does not mean or ask you to close yourself off to experiencing joy again. Feeling joy does not erase your grief. I truly believe, much like Joy and Sadness (in Pixar’s Inside Out) they can exist as companions, as our human experience allows us (should we allow ourselves) to hold both.

This emotional duality is not a sign of weakness or “moving on too soon.” It’s a reflection of your humanness and our heart’s ability to hold complex emotions.

The Science of Emotional Coexistence

According to polyvagal theory (Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory: A Science of Safety, 2022), our nervous system has the capacity to experience mixed emotional states when anchored in ventral vagal activation — the state of safety and connection.

This potentially explains why you might find yourself crying through laughter, or holding grief and gratitude at once. It’s not contradiction, it can actually be seen as biology.

Mixed States Are Part of Being Human

Research shows that hybrid autonomic states exist, for example, play combines ventral vagal safety with sympathetic activation. Similarly, intimacy combines vulnerability with grounding.

In grief, this may look like:

* Laughing through tears.


* Feeling gratitude while mourning.


* Holding heartbreak alongside hope.


It might feel wrong but really, our nervous systems are resilient (if we train them to be).

A Gentle Practice for Today

If you’d like to explore this coexistence in a safe, embodied way, try this:

Breathwork:

* Inhale gently for 4 counts.


* Exhale slowly for 6 counts.


* Continue for 2 minutes, noticing your body soften.


Journal Prompt:
"Can I invite both sorrow and a spark of joy today?"

Why This Matters

If we dispel the idea that it has to be “all-or-nothing” around the emotions we are here to experience, we get to expand and increase our resilience. But why? If we can allow both grief and joy to sit together, we can help build self-compassion (i.e. our ability to be kind to ourselves), we can strengthen our nervous system regulation and also promote and support long-term healing.


An Invitation for Reflection

This week, notice one moment where grief and joy appeared together. Maybe it’s a laugh through tears, a bittersweet memory, or a gentle smile after sadness.

And if you’d like support navigating these tender states, I’ve created a Free Breathwork Bundle with practices designed to help you breathe with both grief and joy. You can access it here.