5 Things Not to Say After Pregnancy Loss (And What to Say Instead)
Why Words Matter After Pregnancy Loss
Pregnancy loss is one of the most common yet least acknowledged experiences in reproductive health.
While 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, the grief often goes unspoken. And honestly, from experience I know just how harmful phrases can deepen that grief as well as the silence.
If you’re reading this and feeling a little defensive or called-out, look, I get it. We’re all doing the best we can but I know how many comments may be well-intentioned, but they can land as dismissive or minimising to someone’s pain or grief. The other thing is everyone’s experience is COMPLETELY individual and unique. I had many people with their own experience of pregnancy or baby loss say things that to me that didn’t land in a great way for me. So if you want to support someone through loss, here are five things to consider NOT saying — and what you might want to think about saying instead.
1. “At least it was early.”
Minimising grief based on weeks of gestation ignores the attachment that begins the moment a pregnancy is discovered.
Say instead:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. It doesn’t matter how early, it mattered to you, and that’s what’s important.”
Why? Acknowledging the loss and pain is often all the person needs in that moment, depending on how raw the grief is.
2. “You can always try again.”
While future pregnancies may be possible, this phrase dismisses the reality of the current loss and the person’s present pain.
Say instead:
“I know how much this mattered. I’m holding your hand through this.”
Why? Just to know that the person doesn’t have to figure things out alone is huge. Also, acknowledging the grief as a true loss is (as mentioned above) often all that is required in the moment.
3. “Everything happens for a reason.”
Spiritual or philosophical explanations can feel invalidating when grief is raw. They may come across as dismissive rather than comforting.
Say instead:
“It’s heartbreaking. I’m here for you however you need.”
Why? In the rawness of grief, we just need to be seen in the situation, with no judgement and no-one attempt to “fix” the situation.
4. “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
This phrase attempts to find a silver lining but can cause additional pain, especially for those navigating infertility or recurrent loss. [N.B. This phrase will land differently for every individual; I personally found comfort in this but others as mentioned may not].
Say instead:
“I can imagine how painful this must be. I want you to know I’m holding space for your grief.”
5. Saying Nothing at All
Silence may feel safer than saying the wrong thing, but it often leaves grieving parents feeling even more isolated.
Say instead:
“I don’t have the right words, but I want you to know I see you and I care.”
Why? Acknowledge the situation, the grief and the loss, however clumsily. I’d rather know you’re trying in an imperfect way than not say anything at all. Let’s NOT pretend that this huge thing hasn’t happened.
A Nervous System Perspective on Grief
Pregnancy loss impacts the body as well as the heart. Research shows that even early loss can trigger symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD (Farren et al., 2019). This is not “overreacting”, it’s the nervous system processing trauma.
Offering acknowledgment and compassion helps counter the isolation that often accompanies loss, allowing the nervous system to begin moving toward safety and repair.
Remember: Your Words are powerful and Can Heal
Pregnancy loss is never “just” anything. Words that minimise can deepen wounds, while words that validate can bring relief.
You don’t need perfect language but knowing that people showed up with presence, compassion, and honesty helped me feel seen and validated in my experience.
If you’ve experienced pregnancy loss: Your grief is valid at every stage.
If you’re supporting someone: Your acknowledgment can make all the difference.
Gentle Support for Healing
To help those navigating loss reconnect with their body, I’ve created a free resource: