How To Deal With The 3 Most Common Questions Faced by British Asians

The 3 Most Common Questions Faced by British Asians

How To Deal With The 3 Most Common Questions Faced by British Asians

When Are You Getting Married?

You should be really married by now.

We’re worried for you/your parents - – you’re getting ‘too old’

I’ve experienced my fair share of these questions and what’s amazing is that even the most seemingly ‘progressive’ people can surprise you –

‘ You’re Doing A PhD? How will we be able to find you a husband?’

2 a. Have You Lost Weight?

What’s actually meant: you need to eat more – here, let me feed you. Watch out if you hear this, your plate will be ‘spiked’ by 2-3 extra portions of rice – and let’s be honest, a disproportionate amount of rice always amounts to an unwanted rice belly…

2 b. Have You Put On Weight?

Often this is not actually posed as a question. It’s just a statement accompanied by a double cheek pinch!

Have you been sitting outside for too long?

You’re looking darker than usual

I’ve experienced this first-hand myself twice:

Once when I was 17, I went on an expedition to Mexico for 3.5 weeks – and came back much darker than my usual colouring.

& when I spent a week at Glastonbury.Both times, the reactions were the same:

Shock.

Dismay

And then advise to stay indoors and try ‘Fair & Lovely’ cream.

How To Deal With These Questions:

My policy has always been to:

Seek first to understand before seeking to be understood.

Marriage

Weight

Skin Colour

Trying to control each facet of a person’s life comes from fear and a mindset of lack.

So let’s deconstruct together here:

‘you need to get married before it’s too late (and no one suitable is left) ’

(as if the world’s population is decreasing <<eye-roll emoji>>…)

‘you need to eat less/more’

there’s not enough to go around – eat it before it runs out!

But don’t eat TOO much because then your weight equates to how attractive you’ll be as marriage material’

Because as a society, we find change scary

Anything that is different to the norm is scary & we’re pushed into questioning our own beliefs.

I’ve experienced multiple variations on ALL of the topics.

Increasingly as I progressed through my PhD.

Aside from my immediate family members who were my biggest advocates,

A girl. Doing A PhD.

It changed up the perception that many people had of me.

And I’ve witnessed and felt them projecting their fear onto me:

‘How will we find you a husband’

As if I should feel ashamed or guilty for choosing to do a PhD, to further my own education and personal development.

It comes down to collective (people’s/society’s):

Fear.

It’s only as we grow into our adult lives do we come to question many of numerous cultural expectations placed on (British) Asians from a young age.

Without some important reflection or self-awareness, it’s easy to pick fault in yourself for any or all of the above.

I know on several occasions I have.

But I’ve also learnt from these experiences.

So from one girl who’s still experiencing all of the above.

Trust your own intuition

[the audio version]

Because, truly.

No one has the right answers.

We’re all just projecting our own experiences

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Even if this means you just don’t speak quiet – and you just get clear on your thoughts on the matter.

Whether you just voice it to your closest

Speaking your truth in a cultural society – can be beyond scary.

I get it.

I feel you.

But only you have the ability to get clear on your own attitude to:

Marriage

Weight

Skin Colour

This isn’t to dismiss some of these questions as disrespectful.
I try my best to live by example and think before uttering any of these questions.
But if you’re reading this article, you’ll know that there are those people you will never be able to change/that great-grandma’s sister probably will keep asking you the same questions every time she sees you.

YOU HAVE A CHOICE

However much you try – you may not be able to prevent them
But you DO have a CHOICE
get to take ownership on how it makes you feel inside.
Once you get clear and stand up aligned
And weirdly, this is often what can then inspire change.
As the other person gets to see you lead by example.

VOICE YOUR OPINION FROM A RESPECTFUL AUTHENTIC PLACE

- I know you mean well however I do find it

So I’ll finish by saying:

You’re not alone.

Takeaway

Remember:
You are enough.
As you are.
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Single, committed, divorced, widowed, widower, looking, not interested, not ready yet.

You are whole as you are.

You don’t need someone to ‘complete’ you.

Get clear on what your heart wants & then evoke the feeling of peace & contentment

Some beautiful words to sum it up

“i do not want to have you to fill the empty parts of mei want to be full on my own
i want to fill so completei could light a whole cityand theni want to have youcause the two ofus combinedcould setit on fire”

― Rupi Kaur